Vannology

In the year 2008, a fresh start at a new middle school. Running away from my previous school experience, I hoped to make friends that would last me a lifetime. During middle school, I created a group of besties. Five weirdos who had the same idea of what an ideal middle school experience is like. Together we would do things only friends do. We will skip classes to sit and gossip in the bathrooms. We’ll talk about boys and how Mariah would set us up with a performing manager. We had hopes to become a cute group of singers, like Destiny’s Child or whatever. Mariah had the connects, Crystal was the one that wanted to do acting. I’ll probably be the next to piggyback on her. Tia and Steph were down for anything, mostly because them bitches had the skills for it! I was timid compared to them; I wasn’t such a badass as they were. I enjoyed being with them, I was always being challenged and loved it.

During these years, I experienced a little bit of boys and puberty of course. I learned that I had some kind of attraction to females too in the eighth grade. I also explored new skills, challenging my shyness. I joined cheerleading and the step team. Dancing definitely was not for me, and I learned that at a young age. I did extra credit work, that graduated me with regents passed for my high school years.

This was an advantage I wish everyone to take. This is something that gave me another opportunity to grow later in life. I didn’t know it then. Which is why I try to tell everyone to do it. People my age didn’t do it because it was too ‘nerdy’. Fuck that shit. It was worth every single time I got called a nerd for it. I decided to go to a school in Manhattan, a school of hospitality. I think this is where I developed most of my service skills. Never mind, it is! I also was able to do culinary since my freshman year because of my work done in middle school (See bitches, it paid off. That’s not even all of it either). I was ahead in math; therefore, I met other students who were older than me, in a higher graduating class.

Met Manny & Senny, what I forever call them the ones that graduated without me :(. I mean it would have been IMPOSSIBLE for me to graduate with them, they were two years ahead of me. They were the best pair of friends a shawty could ask for though. They would really wait for me to finish school for us to go home together or some kind of activity. Out of the two, one relationship was stronger and learned to live longer, Manny. But with them I learned what it was to have friends who genuinely care for you and your well-being.

I also met Jennifer, my forever other half. She was my best friend, my sister from another mister, the one ill wax her butthole for, but would never scissor. Since everyone in my family thought we were, figured I’d put that out there. Smoked my first blunt with her, skipped school to do shopping, we fucking went out for lunch to smoke a blunt, then head back to class like nothing happened. Such ‘losers’ but it wasn’t so bad because we did everything together. Today I don’t know much of her, but enough of her. Wishing her greatness and prosperity, forever.

During high school, I learned how weak I can be. Life then gave me many reasons to pop all those pills at once. But like my baby Abel said, not to mislead turned my nightmares into big dreams. These worst times were just preparing me for the greatest skills of my life. I learned to grow from the negative. I had been through things at home, while things with my current relationship, as well as living the pressure of every teenager in high school. That wasn’t all, I experienced so much more than I speak on. I’m okay with that. There has been a time in my life where I gave it all up, where I decided the best thing for me, and everyone was me out. My best option was out, six times.

Winter of the year 2013 during my junior year, I hit rock bottom. I was having issues at home, school and everywhere in between. I decided it was that time again even after endless marks on my thighs. This was the sixth time, the one that killed me spiritually, mentally & emotionally. When I swallowed those pills, I had given my soul what it was asking from me. A break. But I made it because my mother entered my room seconds later and was able to put two and two together. I mean six seconds wasn’t enough to toss an empty bottle and lay back down. I physically was the only link to reality, every other part of me was dead and gone. When I made it to the hospital, everything happened so fast, and I wasn’t allowed to leave. I was sent somewhere for ‘treatment’. Which just drove me crazy enough to pretend to be okay and sane again, to get out of there.

I met a few girls who shared similar stories to me, girls who had their story just as worst, in a whole different form. My time there I learned we all live a shitty ass story; we all just handle shit differently. There’s not a single soul not going through something or living with something that doesn’t sit right with them. I learned that there are people who have a family, that REALLY doesn’t give a shit for them. I met this girl who was almost my age, about 8 months younger than me. My entire time there she never got a call, nor a visit. She wasn’t friends with the other girls and was so timid. We became friends (social butterfly here), where she vented that she was there for 9 months without visitation or a phone call. That shit broke me, to pieces. That shit made me so grateful for the ones I had out there. For the ones visiting me, the ones who cared. We spent Christmas there… CHRISTMAS, and no one contacted her.

After my time there I was forced to do therapy, which at first was the hardest thing in the world. To later become the greatest resource of my entire life. She taught me how to cope rather than trying to solve everything. She taught me to be more adventurous and daring because this is the perfect time to do so. If I ever run into her again in life, which I hope to do so, I would forever owe her for the most valuable information I had received from someone. Mostly because what I needed at the time was learning to cope. I needed to let go of the idea that everything had to go my way or no way. I learned to test out my skills without being so timid. Football became something easy for me because of her support.

The relationship I had with her (the amount of time I did therapy, HAHA) she motivated me to become this fearless independent woman, like her. My issue has forever been how timid I am. Till this day, I’m so shy when I try new things out. I was also challenged to do a social group to expand my horizon on relationship and skills. I loved this about myself; I learned to start doing things I’m interested in instead of worrying about shit I cannot control. I learned how valuable a stress ball can be, how much scents can help us, and how effective reaching out to others is. I learned that if I want to feed my mind, I must surround myself with learners and adventurers. The things I picked up gave me that power to get through all of it, alone too. But that built me to who I am today. I now knew nothing, or no one was ever going to disturb my peace again.

Before high school ended, I had become this woman who only wanted to grow and become a better version than what she already carried. I had always wanted to be in my own space, have a nice solid routine that balances everything I need in life. I graduated with an advanced regents diploma, had four years of culinary experience and an amazing resume for a 17-year-old. I was the captain of the female football team, which was small but mighty. I often feel like my story doesn’t get told to anyone, I get people who think I was always this person. I worked so hard to be who I am today; I am tremendously proud of myself and everything I overcame. I am grateful for the time I spent there. I am grateful for the lifelong skills Melina taught me.

After graduating high school, I moved 300 miles away with a few duffle bags, Q came with me. We had been dating for a few months at the time. I never thought someone would move so far with someone they just started dating. We didn’t move to rush things though. My plan was always to study at the University of Buffalo. It was my dream school for medicine. It was a difficult program, but I knew what I wanted. When I shared this with him, we spoke about what would happen with our relationship. He believed we wouldn’t work well with distance, and he didn’t think he would let me leave. Legit the sweetest thing in the world, he changed his plans to fit mine.

We moved to Buffalo, lived in a 900 square foot one bedroom apartment. The building wasn’t the greatest, but it was our first home. We loved it and created a space that we both loved. We left with only our savings, no job and no school. We were eventually homesick, and I got a dog behind his back while he was at work. His name is Snoopy! But let me catch up on why I didn’t make it to UB. During my time signing up for colleges, I did mine incorrectly. When I found out I didn’t do this correctly, it was far too late to sign up for the current semester and my plans to leave for Buffalo were on the move. My plan was to move there anyways and give myself a semester at a different school to not waste any time. We lived in that apartment for a year, went to college for criminal justice and really enjoyed college. During this time, my relationship grew, we became inseparable. We learned so much from each other, the one I split my last dollar with, learned how to share space with a messy person. We learned a lot from one another.

I also met Cassie and Katie. We were close and became great friends! I even joined Cassandra at her wedding. Cassandra gave me a little glimpse of what my life-long friends would be like. She was someone I had always wanted to keep around; the kind of friend you call a friend. She was also far from home, so we were able to relate quite a lot.

When our lease was up, we moved back to NYC. We moved back because Q had become homesick, and suggested we go back. I supported him 100% the same way he switched his plans for me. We shared an apartment with my sister in NYC.  It was 4 bedrooms; 2 bathroom and we took Snoopy with us. This was also a learning experience for me. When we moved back, we had jobs and a routine down. I had become a manager at 18… you know I was hated at work. For school, I had taken a pause. Mostly because I wasn’t sure what my next step was and didn’t want to use up my financial aid. I still knew college was for me, and I wanted to finish school.

We lived together for a long time, in fact moved back spontaneously to Buffalo. THEN WE GOT PREGNANT and were forced to move right back by our family. They all agreed that we would have more support back home rather than winging it alone, but me. I wanted to stay, to raise my child in the lifestyle I already had. But eventually gave in and moved back to NYC.

I felt prepared for whatever, I felt like I could handle whatever life brought me. I was the only one who didn’t want to move back. I sat there for months making a pros and cons list that would help me make this decision. I sorted all my possible options, but knowing my ambitious ass, I wanted to do this alone. I didn’t think I needed to move back to provide her with everything she needs. My pregnancy was a high-risk, towards the middle. We had learned that she wasn’t growing as she should. We learned that she would be smaller than an average baby. I had to be monitored towards my last trimester, which I truly think was a blessing because I was scheduled a sonogram every two weeks, then changed to every week closer to my due date. I was able to hear her heart, see her so often. This was the most beautiful thing I can ever ask for. She had given me such love and she hasn’t even arrived.

When I found out I was pregnant I was so scared, but I learned to get over that, to embrace everything. I had developed a new motive and inspiration. AGAIN, she wasn’t even here yet. As my pregnancy went by, I learned a lot about myself and my body. My body changed so much my last trimester; I start to notice why it’s that females go into depression. The change my body went through from my last trimester to London’s first months, WAS CRAZY. The change had created some dark clouds over me. It did bring back feelings from when I was depressed in high school. I began to hate myself physically and mentally. I was also a first-time mom going through whatever first-time moms go through. This was a hard part of my life again, but this round I was more knowledgeable. One thing I learned after high school was to wing things if you’re unsure. If you’re sure, give it your all! I also learned I wasn’t so weak; I learned that I am still so strong and can accomplish so much on my own. If the support was given that was extra, I must get things alone and for myself.

There were things that I didn’t speak about, ever. Things that had valuable impact on me that have built me to be who I am today. The smile I had to plaster on my face to hide everything was so powerful. My greatest skill is hiding the darkest thoughts and feelings. My switch has become the smile I carry. Becoming a professional at hiding all these emotions.