Vannology

Time is a hell of a thing. Everything has its moment. Time heals. Time becomes visions, memories, challenges, and everything in between. I’ve been struck with bad and perfect timing. I’ve been given such blessings at the wrong time to receive. I’ve also been given hard shit at a great peak of my life.

Lately, time has been slipping. I have been letting these habits and dark clouds take over. Time doesn’t stop; time isn’t recovered. So here we go again, taking control and valuing my time. Valuing my time with things I enjoy, learning, and developing my skills. I enjoy doing things such as writing and reading. I like to meditate and go on long walks. I like candles that smell citrusy; searching for them is something that makes me happy. Recreating the list of things that bring me joy I realize it’s quite simple. Like following my routine and getting shit done, how I want them done.

I am also unlearning a few things. As important as learning is, sometimes you need to take things back and reroute yourself.

I am unlearning the ease of ignoring boundaries- especially to please others. I have this sympathy in my heart that feels for everyone. Makes me do and/or allow things that I’m not fully okay with. Often this sympathy is for others who wouldn’t even do the same for me. That was okay, until now. I’m working on building boundaries to my best interest at all times. And that’s not selfish.

Self-Assurance > External Validation. Yeah, that shit needs to go out the mf window.

I am enough, I am doing enough. Everyone around me has had such a huge impact on how I react to myself. I can list a few things I have done as a 24-year-old, and you will be impressed. Perhaps that’s why everyone expects the most from me, but I need to for once breathe the air I gave myself. I am always rushing to be in a better place, without enjoying my very own place. The outside world will always have something to speak on, there are thoughts and opinions everywhere. It doesn’t matter when one is comfortable in the place they’re in. It’s my turn to finally reflect on it.

I am unlearning how to quit sacrificing my thoughts and opinions to avoid situations. I literally do this way too often to continue to do so. I had my fair share, and I am completely moving on. I am no longer taking value out of my thoughts and/or opinions, fuck your situation. My thoughts and opinions have so much value.

This one is my hardest challenge and longest going, unlearning to stop ignoring hard/difficult feelings instead of processing them. I’ve realized that I ignore the shit out of things that are difficult for me. I start to ignore my heart and think fully with my head. I should start to give my heart a chance. I also believe I will learn what I truly need and deserve after processing everything thoroughly if I just stop ignoring these feelings and trying to rush them off.

Alongside is unlearning to quit pretending I’m doing okay. I am okay with not being okay. I’m going to be okay with asking for support, eventually, someday. Everyone often expects more from me and sometimes it’s not what I can give. I’ve also realized how small my circle is, and how much love, care and support the circle holds. The people around me genuinely want the best for me and London. They are willing to give me that helping hand. I’ve just done things alone and I’m not used to bringing my baggage to others. Doing things independently for so long eventually made it very out of the ordinary for them to offer their helping hand, because it was always an ‘I got it’.

Lastly, I am unlearning to stop skipping celebrating myself. That includes my accomplishments as small as they might be. I have plenty of things to celebrate for today. Earlier this week this also came up in a conversation with a friend. How far we both have come; how different we are compared to others our age. It isn’t to belittle anyone, but this work was done without the support most received. This is a spot I am very comfortable with, and I should be able to enjoy myself the best I can. I deserve it.