50 years ago
50 years ago, grandma had my father.
50 years ago, the world received the greatest man on earth
50 years that experienced poverty, pain, suffrage, happiness, and successes
50 years of practicing mindfulness, selflessness, and love.
I know your life wasn’t easy. And growing up you didn’t have many. I’m sorry you had to endure such hardship. The kind to stretch a single animal cracked through the day. The kind I never experienced.
I’m grateful for the drunk nights you had at the living room table. I felt your safety at home, rather than outdoors. I am grateful for those conversations we would have when I was about 8 or 9. When you were shit-faced telling me how much you love me. How much I mean to you. How much I changed your life. The time you taught me, my value, as your daughter. The one time we cried for hours. Just us two. That Saturday night. I was so young, but I swear, I understood everything you were telling me. I wish we can do this again. Now that I’m older, wiser, and so much more mindful. So I can tell you how much those conversations mean to me. How grateful I am for feeling loved so young.
And I understand I wasn’t supposed to grow up with everything that household held. I also understand that you tried your greatest to see me smile and prosper in life. The kind of life you wish you had. The education you never received. The privilege of coming home from school to a beautiful home, and a cooked meal. All because of you.
Thank you for always putting me first. For all the skills I developed at home and in the kitchen. I’m the handiest bitch around because of you. Thank you for reaching me humbleness. Thank you for reminding me how easy it is to lose it all if we don’t try. Thank you for pressuring me to do what I felt like doing with my career because I was too focused on what you both would like from me. Thank you for your understanding of all the actions I have taken in my life. Thank you for giving me such an amazing example of what kind of parent I would like to be for my child.
I am truly sorry for the decisions I made that broke you. I am so sorry for making you feel like a failure when I tried to take my life away. I am so sorry I gave you another trauma in your life. Now that I have London, I don’t think I can bare the pain I inflicted on you both. I am so sorry for being so selfish at that time. I am so sorry about last year’s scare. I can’t begin to tell you everything I felt. But understand you are the biggest factor in my life today. I cannot imagine a world without you.
I love you so much and wish the world would treat you the way you deserve. I wish you can live forever.
Vannology 
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