I know I would one day have to get this off my chest. I’ll do it one day, I know I would have to do it while they’re all still here
Papi,
One of my favorite memories would be when we took trips to your job. You know damn well you picked up your checks on days off to have some alone time. Yet you still offered to take me most of the time. It was so sincere, which is why I always said yes (I knew your alone time was needed and you didn’t have much of it). But those trips were full of conversations that taught me a lot about you. Growing up I started to realize that you and I are so similar. We have so many similarities in the way we think. We are very wise. Our dark humor, only we understand. You have a lot of wisdom, extra to spare actually. Throughout all the good, we went through the worst together. Maybe not all your worst. But all of mine. I learned respect, patience, sympathy, value, and worth from you. Many other things but those are the most valuable. I wish you can live forever. It’s selfish as shit, but I would do anything to have you live through my entire lifetime. You might not like that because your tender heart might not take it. But it’s you and your tender heart that keeps me going. When the accident happened, I lost myself. It was God telling me to appreciate you now. I could’ve lost you, on many occasions, even after your accident too. You were given this second chance because I need you. I’ve always wanted to tell you how proud I am of how I turned out to be with the things you’ve taught me. I wish I could tell you that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have you as my father. I hope you can understand how important you are to us and how much we only care for you. Even through your stubbornness, you need to get over the fact we are one. You cannot take care of us forever and the tables turn. You and Mom were just given this earlier in a different form. We’re supposed to go to school to have career jobs and then handle your bills. That’s how you wanted it. Enjoy the fact you can say we’re taking care of you before you’re even 50! This is so difficult for me to tell you in person because I can never speak my feelings or thoughts without feeling a wave of emotions with you. Every time I would talk about how much I love you I would tear. You even know that. But I would never forgive myself if you’re taken from me and I never got to tell you. But when I do I know you’ll tell me how silly I am. Then compare our wisdom. I love you, endlessly.
Momma,
Ma, ain’t nothing in this world you can tell me that would make me stop smoking weed. I wish you could cut that out. It’s not because I’m addicted like you think, it’s simply not what you think it is. Others even use it as physical medication, with physical change and physical proof of its benefits. But whatever, Mom, I am truly nothing like you expected me to be. I know at one point you wanted me to graduate from college at an early age, and have a home, take you outta here. Not saying it cannot or won’t get done. You also thought at one point I was going to fail. In fact, at my weakest point, you thought the worst. They say you can never be in anyone’s head or truly know their intentions. But I knew you thought I was going to fail. You thought I would succeed the next time I tried to take myself out, right after my first attempt. I am sorry for putting you through all of that. I’m sorry I was so weak. I am sorry I put such negative thoughts in your head. I can never imagine myself going through half of what I did to you with London. It took me to be a mother to know this. I am truly sorry I didn’t appreciate my life at an early age. I’m sorry I tried this more than once. I’m also truly sorry you had to make a 2-hour trip every day, back and forth, just to see me and bring me a home-cooked meal. I’m sorry for not healing as fast as you expected me to. I know you wanted me to recover and to get outta that place as soon as possible. I hope you understand I did it at my pace, I did the learning to do this once and never again. I took all the therapy given to me because of you and Dad. I was offered all this help, and I took it because you showed me love. You showed me weakness but love too. I did all the help I could get to learn to cope with everything. I took forever to get my shit together because I wasn’t going through this again. Therapy taught me how to COPE. I learned the definition of coping. Along the way, I learn how to control my own experience and accept others’ experiences. Thank you for all the help I got with London. I do wish you would give me half the support you gave my sister. I know you hate hearing it, I know it pisses you off. But Jesus, let me liveeeeeee. I believe you thought I’d end up making the mistakes that she made. I made my own mistakes. But there were different separate mistakes. My advice to you would be to learn to let go. I see you struggle a lot, and I know it’s because you hold grudges and let your past get in the mix with your present. Give people second chances to live at peace, with yourself, not others. Seriously, you’re old enough to just live for yourself. Fuck everyone else. In my utopian world, I’ll tell you this in person while we smoke our first blunt together. I hope it ends with tears and smiles. Sincere smiles, mostly because I haven’t seen it in a while.
Vannology 
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