Vannology

This popped up in my suggestion entries, why can’t parents accept that they didn’t truly love you, they just cared for you?

It got me thinking about how many people think like this. Truly I believe mine love me. It sounds cheesy, but they have never given me any reason to believe that they don’t love me and only care for me. We have had our downfalls, and I am sure everyone else has their own among their families, but never have I felt unloved by them.

During my time in high school and going through my biggest depression, it all seemed as if I was a burden to them. Doctors’ appointments, and therapy sessions, all while handling their other children. Perhaps, it was overwhelming and too much for them to handle. Yes, I did feel like I was too much of their concern, yes, I felt like my issues were a bother. No, I never felt unloved by them.

I felt their undivided attention and support. I saw their efforts and concerns for me. After reading this submission, I rethought other scenarios where I felt as if they could have possibly shown they love me. There is a difference in that idea though, I would’ve appreciated the assurance during its time, not because I didn’t feel it, more or so because I needed it.

Growing up for everyone’s story is different, we all have different experiences, goals, and perspectives. Our experiences give us that difference in perspective. Therefore, I don’t doubt its possibility. I do believe there are parents who can just care for their children. I’ve heard stories where there’s detachment from their children but still love them endlessly. Experience just made them that way. Do I think it’s possible? Yes. Do I believe I can be one of those parents? Never.

I have so much care for London, there isn’t anything in this world I would not do for her. I know that can be so close to love, but I understand the difference between the two. I can be nurturing to her and do my best because I want the best for her and her care. Also, I love this girl entirely and she gives me a zing, a feeling, its love. It’s more than care, more than ensuring she’s surviving. It’s a wave of motivation to be my best, it’s protecting her without shielding her entirely, it’s giving her a better experience than I ever got because I love her.

Coming from parents who have shown me love, I would want her to experience this. To experience better. To never want assurance because it’s always there. I don’t want her to ever want her to doubt my love. I pray to know every time she needs to feel this from me. The feeling I felt when I didn’t hear it when I wanted to, she would never experience it.

I get sad to imagine myself only caring for her and not loving her. How can I not possibly love her? I have carried her for 9 months and shared a beautiful experience that only she and I will ever share. London was not a planned child, but never did I feel as if I didn’t love her. Finding out about her was the scariest thing in the world, I was not prepared and definitely changed my life the most. I truly loved her, just as I was amid all these emotions. Thinking about how impossible this experience was about to be I still felt my love for her. I don’t think I can ever stop loving her.

I am so fucking sorry to the ones who have ever felt their parents only cared for them. Figuring out why would have been a question I would want an answer to. What if some don’t? Why wouldn’t one want to know? Shit, id want them to let me know their reason. It would take a lot to not love your child, what is your valid reasoning?