Vannology

Being that I’m already handling so fucking much life is handing me; I am a mother to my toddler. I live every day for her, routine my entire day to benefit her. I don’t regret it a single bit, I don’t hate it a single ounce. I love working a full-time job for the money I earn for what I provide for her. I love creating a schedule to ensure she’s active and developing her skills daily. Out of the seven days in a week, I get one consecutive 24 hours without my Lolo. It’s 26 hours to be exact.

In those 26 hours, I feel such a rollercoaster of emotions. Ironically, the first few hours are just like any rollercoaster. They start smoothly and even a little calming on the way up. I feel a little relief because I can do more than what I could when she’s around. I have a list of things to get done within that time, I get this rush thinking about the productive day I am about to have. Usually, I start to think about her meals when I’m eating, it makes me wonder if she’s eaten or what has she had so far. I get sad, that down feeling, because she isn’t around to eat with me. I know she’s fine and well-fed, but no one can take care of her the way I can. It sounds selfish out loud but it’s just because I’m her mom. Since this is the most consecutive time she has with her other family, I get a little joy from thinking she’s making memories with others aside from myself. We spend a lot of time together and I know that can be overwhelming to be with one person. Stuck with a single human all day, and to make matters worse, stuck with me. By the time it’s time for bed, the room gets so quiet. Sleeping one night without putting her to sleep feels so weird to me. Even if I go to sleep drunk (usually because it’s my only night), I can’t seem to sleep until I realize how empty I am without her. Or if she has a nightmare, would she be comforted the way she needs? I sleep with her in my thoughts. The very next morning, the first morning of my week and she’s the person missing in my bed. It’s ideal to catch up on sleep when I can, and it isn’t possible if I work the next day. Cutting short on sleep, just to prepare for a day of work and think of her all the way to work. Is she awake? Did she have breakfast? Did she wake up during the night? I know she’s fine, every week she comes back fine. The feeling would just never end. I often find myself feeling guilty for leaving her for so long. 26 hours might not seem long, but when you’re missing your other half, it’s more than that. Guilty for not being there for her entirely. Guilty for also craving that relief at the beginning of those 26 hours. Gee, that guilt… it’s because of the relief feeling. I feel bad for feeling relief.

Yes, I feel so guilty for craving a break. I get overwhelmed and feel like I am close to losing my shit. So yes, I do sometimes crave that break. Yes, I feel like a shit mom to do so. Why? Because I don’t think anyone is comfortable speaking on what’s needed mentally to care for a child. She is my absolute world, but it can be so hard at times. I find myself splitting into pieces to manage everything and have a smooth week. I try my best to be the greatest mother I can be through my entire day, every single day. That feeling never goes away, I can still feel this bad knot in my stomach when I think about the morning that she must leave me. I feel like I’m betraying her, while also betraying me for not taking care of myself. I had to learn about the value those 26 hours hold and remind myself every Saturday night. Those 26 hours are a catch-up game, preparation for that upcoming week I’m about to kill all over again.

Mom guilt just never goes; I do crave a break sometimes, I just need to disconnect, and that’s okay. For me. Most importantly for her.