Vannology

I’ve always used today as a reflection day. A day when I go back to last year and think of all the goals I’ve made for myself and the ones I’ve achieved. This year it’s a little different, it’s not much of a reflection of my goals. This year is about what changes have I overcome and how it has built me. I have experienced a shitty ass year, but it was filled with so much great things. I am unsure of how that makes sense but it’s as accurate as it’s going to get.

This year I am promising myself things I have been earning and deserving of. I promise to take care of myself and my environment. Cutting people off and developing goal plans has been beneficial to me lately. I’ve felt such a relief to know that my circle has gotten smaller which isn’t ideal to one, but I have felt so much happier. The ones in my circle have been more than I expected, and the ones that have been removed have surprisingly not had an impact. I’m pretty sure it’s acceptance and experience that have gotten me there. I believe to be at an age where I know what I need or benefit from. If I don’t see it, then I have no issue losing it. I have been developing plans and goals that are solely for London and me, which just assures me I can do anything. I’ve done so much this last year completely out of plan, completely alone. I am happy with what I have done, I’m proud of myself for being able to handle everything, even when I didn’t handle it correctly.

I’ve done another shift in the SLAMMER and I am promising, swearing guaranteeing, I will NEVER go back. Fuck NYPD, fuck the system, fuck the subway. LOL. I legit laugh at the scenario because there’s nothing left to do about it. I have also been dealing with the court system in ‘trying’ to justify their fucking actions and it just proves another point to my statement, that this system is shit. I also have returned to school, studying criminal justice again and it feels so fucking good. That gets its post soon, but Jesus why did it take me forever to get back? That’s a rhetorical question because I truly know I only returned now because of London starting school. Another thing to reflect on, is her going to school and killing it. She’s been so good at adapting and getting out of her shy shell. I promise to encourage her to be the big bright human that she is. I promised myself to give her the things I didn’t have. This girl is starting dance, to then start gymnastics next half of the school year. She’s going to get to everything she wants to explore. All those skills I put to waste; she is going to explore and develop not just for her, but mostly for me.

I am promising myself to continue to do things for myself, do the things I have been limiting myself from. I have been trying out things that I have been dying to try out and it’s been so splendid. Catering to myself and providing myself with the time and energy I need for myself. I promise to continue to write to develop my skills and audience. I promise to spend time doing things on Vannology that bring me joy. I have been slacking on this and it’s because of poor time management, but not anymore.

Building Vannology has been so difficult for me because of everything I share. I don’t share much out loud or just to anyone, the thought of someone I know running into this gives me anxiety. These last couple of weeks I shared with a few others and their feedback was beyond what I wanted to hear. The thought of my words being something to give you a wave of emotions or thoughts feels so good to me. Listening to others try to convince me to continue to expand my audience is a roller coaster, it feels so good to hear but I get so nervous to think to share. Their feedback on how they felt reading my work felt unrealistic. No really, the few people who have done so, are beyond appreciated because they don’t understand the impact they have on this post, on my plans for Vannology. Speaking of which, I plan to post twice a week here on out. With no filter, whatever I have written in my journal, I will post here if I don’t have anything to share. But I will share, and I will continue to extend my comfort levels.

I am promising myself to continue to share while overcoming my anxiety. I am promising myself to write without limits, without considering who this might reach. I promise to develop the skill I’ve been too scared to exercise. Hearing I have potential as a writer, without sharing I’ve considered this, is another unrealistic feeling. To top this whole thing, my English professor has shared that she herself is impressed with my work so far. An English professor reviewing my homework, providing me with thissssssssss, over homework. Imagine if I took myself more seriously.

I promise to take myself more seriously. To listen to my body, to listen to my feelings, to listen to my reactions. I promise to rebuild myself from my greatest points from here on out. To build my career the way I want, to continue to be patient with myself and my goals. I promise to stop being so hard on myself. I promise to only give what I want to receive.

On your 25^th trip around, I promise you to care, love, and protect you.